I recently attended a yoga class at the gym on campus with my friend Buffy. I had done yoga in the past and have paid for DVDs that I have yet to crack open, but I had never been to a class in Shanghai. Since I'm not the avid yoga-er, I forgot my non-existent yoga mat at home. Luckily, some mats were provided, though the mats were all connected into one big mat at the back of the dance studio. I was actually quite thankful I was forced to bend and stretch in the back of the room... the Chinese naturally stare at me enough. However, since the wall we were facing happened to be a giant mirror, it was hard to escape their blatant glances. Needless to say, I was trying something new.
Buffy and I were the only two white faces out of 30 that joined the class that afternoon. For the first twenty minutes, as other women were still entering in, we ourselves were entering in to a state of relaxation. The Chinese women see this time as meditation for religious purposes. The first few minutes were pretty neat -- the Chinese instrumental relaxation music, the quiet... but then by the fourth minute, I opened my eyes and looked at Buffy. This is boring, I mouthed. She nodded in agreement. Little did I know it would continue for another 16 minutes. I'm not sure if it was my American way of wanting things to move a little quicker, or if it was just my natural ability to become easily distracted that caused me to realize how much I am in need of a pedicure. My toes are disgusting. I began to find other impurities, moving up to my legs, thinking, I need to shave. I haven't shaved in weeks. Buffy and I began to have an almost silent conversation about how it's been winter and it's too expensive for the good razors, so why waste your money when no one sees your legs anyways?
The next 16 minutes were spent mentally outside of that room for the two of us, our miming ranging from vanity to school assignments. I thought at one point I'd surely fall asleep... why not when my legs had already done so... I enjoyed the rest of the class, laughing at myself, and others to be quite honest, in these ridiculous positions. Since we don't speak Chinese, we had to look to the other women around us to see what to do, some of the time looking at them while our heads were upside down.
Later on that night, I was struck with some thoughts. This yoga class was in no way religious for me whatsoever though it might have appeared that way by my outward posture; I have no desire to follow the teachings of Buddha or Confucius. I began thinking of all the times I've brought a non-Chrstian friend with me to service in the States. I sit beside them, meditating and prying, singing songs that I just know will incline their hearts to grasp on to Life. I am suddenly discouraged when they leave unchanged. I now know that though their head might have been bowed, their heart was not. They looked to the others to see how to respond since they couldn't understand the language that was being spoken. They too might have been thinking of how much they were in need of a pedicure, or how they couldn't believe they walked out the door wearing a skirt and forgot to shave their legs.
Evangelism takes time. It takes patience. I always figured the lost friends who attended with me didn't understand much, but now I have a small picture of how far away their hearts really are. Thankfully, His word does not fall on deaf ears. Thankfully, His Spirit has the power to move and convict the hardened hearts. Buddha doesn't have that power. And neither does Confucius. It is imperative that I not lag in my efforts of reaching people, whether abroad or in the States. Their lives depend on it. They are spiritually contemplating things that have no significance, searching for something to fill their time, sleeping, and laughing at one's who believe, just like Buffy and me in that yoga class.
I love shifts in perspective. My eyes are so dry from all the wool that has been pulled over them, culturally speaking.
p.s. - I shaved my legs today.
Sunday, April 27, 2008
This just in... an update to pr-yer requests
Thank you so much for yarping*!
The spiritual oppression and dissension among some of the believers in the fellowship have been lifted! I am so thankful for the restoration and the healing that is taking place. I am really begging that He continue to move in and among us as we grow and work together, not allowing us to fall back on our weaknesses in the hard times, but keeping us focused on the things that are worth it.
The ELP (English Language Proficiency) testing was finished last week, and we survived! I had 14 students pass the test, which means they will be going into the 1st Grade English Track next year. For those students who are not native speakers, this is a great accomplishment! I am very proud of them and their efforts. We sent out the results on Friday, so hopefully my inbox will be void of hate mail, death threats or emails from exasperated parents protesting their child be re-tested Monday morning. Please continue to lift up this situation as our principal has to deal with much of the negative sides of the ELP testing process, to say the least.
Much of my furniture has been sold (though I won't be giving it all up until I absolutely no longer need it, of course). Thankfully, I won't have the trauma of getting rid of my things the week before my time expires here in Shanghai.
I am still wrestling with Him on what to do next year as I make this transition to come back to the States; He has yet to open any doors. I personally have a few doors in mind, doors I keep nervously dancing in front of, like a girl who desperately has to use the bathroom, hoping He'll open them. Perhaps the door He'll open is behind me, or maybe it's down the street and I have to walk a little ways before I get to it. I feel at this point, He is about to hand me a pair of Depends and tell me I'm not ready yet, so I might as well relieve myself. In any case, He'll provide.... eventually.
Some good news: We have May Holiday next week, and I'm venturing off to Beijing!! I leave on Tuesday night with Kendra and Vicki. We're taking a 13-hour overnight train in which we do not have sleepers... you already know I'll have something to report with that. I'll get to see, in no particular order, the Great Wall, Tienamen Square, Chairman Mao's dead body, the Summer Palace, and the Olympic Village. My friend Jennifer lives in Beijing, so she'll be taking us around to all the good shops! It's going to be nice to see a new American face.
We'll be coming back on Saturday. I'm notably happy about this trip, especially since it's our last vacation until school's out...
That's all for now. I'll catch up with you next weekend after I get back from my little excursion.
The spiritual oppression and dissension among some of the believers in the fellowship have been lifted! I am so thankful for the restoration and the healing that is taking place. I am really begging that He continue to move in and among us as we grow and work together, not allowing us to fall back on our weaknesses in the hard times, but keeping us focused on the things that are worth it.
The ELP (English Language Proficiency) testing was finished last week, and we survived! I had 14 students pass the test, which means they will be going into the 1st Grade English Track next year. For those students who are not native speakers, this is a great accomplishment! I am very proud of them and their efforts. We sent out the results on Friday, so hopefully my inbox will be void of hate mail, death threats or emails from exasperated parents protesting their child be re-tested Monday morning. Please continue to lift up this situation as our principal has to deal with much of the negative sides of the ELP testing process, to say the least.
Much of my furniture has been sold (though I won't be giving it all up until I absolutely no longer need it, of course). Thankfully, I won't have the trauma of getting rid of my things the week before my time expires here in Shanghai.
I am still wrestling with Him on what to do next year as I make this transition to come back to the States; He has yet to open any doors. I personally have a few doors in mind, doors I keep nervously dancing in front of, like a girl who desperately has to use the bathroom, hoping He'll open them. Perhaps the door He'll open is behind me, or maybe it's down the street and I have to walk a little ways before I get to it. I feel at this point, He is about to hand me a pair of Depends and tell me I'm not ready yet, so I might as well relieve myself. In any case, He'll provide.... eventually.
Some good news: We have May Holiday next week, and I'm venturing off to Beijing!! I leave on Tuesday night with Kendra and Vicki. We're taking a 13-hour overnight train in which we do not have sleepers... you already know I'll have something to report with that. I'll get to see, in no particular order, the Great Wall, Tienamen Square, Chairman Mao's dead body, the Summer Palace, and the Olympic Village. My friend Jennifer lives in Beijing, so she'll be taking us around to all the good shops! It's going to be nice to see a new American face.
We'll be coming back on Saturday. I'm notably happy about this trip, especially since it's our last vacation until school's out...
That's all for now. I'll catch up with you next weekend after I get back from my little excursion.
Friday, April 18, 2008
Liquid Gold
I took a taxi out to the import store today with a few friends of mine. I was on a mission to find something I have been missing for quite some time. After passing through much of the store, I finally reached the drink aisle. My eyes quickly scanned through all the bottles and cans of beverages hoping to find what I had came to buy. There it was; the 12-pack of Dr. Pepper was looming over me on the top shelf (the price was also looming at 102 kuai, equivalent to $13.50). I had to have Kendra help me in retrieving my liquid gold, so I suppose I owe her one can. I am now home, obviously, enjoying one of the twelve. We'll see how long they last in my fridge. I was hoping to come away with a pint of Ben and Jerry's ice cream as well, and I could have, I suppose... but they only had two flavors, neither of which was my favorite.
Next time you go to the store, pick up a 12-pack of Dr. Pepper just because you don't have to pay $13.50 for it.
Next time you go to the store, pick up a 12-pack of Dr. Pepper just because you don't have to pay $13.50 for it.
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
For my faithful warriors
I wanted to share some things with you that you can be lifting up to Him in thought*.
China has really been in the news this year, especially now as Beijing will be hosting the 2008 Summer Olympic games in a few months. Because I can't go into great detail about political issues via this entry (besides the fact that most of you might even know more about this than I do), I'd just ask that you yarp* for this country and its people during this spotlight time. I know the media is having a field day with some of the events taking place, no pun intended. I just ask you would yarp* for the officials during this time and for the native Chinese (and foreigners) in their responses and actions. This is a big year for China to show the world what she is capable of, and things are not going as planned.
Yarp* for Tibet.
Yarp* for the Workers* in the parts of China that are not as developed as Shanghai. Ask that He give them peace and continued boldness to share their faith without fear. I ask that He would pierce hearts and reveal Himself in a mighty way. Yarp for those who are being persecuted, for where there is persecution, there is the advancement of the Good News. I yarp that through this, these faithful would remain strong and bold.
A bit closer to home, there has been spiritual oppression and dissension among some believers in our local fellowship. Please lift up the many leaders of the Body that they may have the grace and discernment to handle these matters. I also would ask that you lift up those who are in these situations, that we might be convicted and restored, seeking after the Truth daily so they might overcome in victory.
There is much change going on academically with our school's administration and faculty... The administration hasn't given us any details on this issue, but this is one request we as believers mention daily in our morning faculty meetings at the Kindergarten.
In relation to academics, the Kindergarten children will be taking the English Language Proficiency exam next week. We have set aside Tuesday - Friday to be testing days. This is the test they must pass in order to enter into the 1st Grade English Track at the Elementary school. There is a heavy amount of pressure on the K2 teachers -- I'm one of those teachers -- as we are wrapping up the material. Yarp* that we as teachers would not become discouraged this week. Yarp* for confidence and peace for both the children and teachers, and for the wisdom to know that this is out of our control; we can only do so much, and we must be faithful and diligent with the time we have left this week.
Personally, I have really been focusing on yarping* for peace and contentment in my situations and surroundings. I have been asking Him to surround me with a desire to know Him more and more, and to share that knowledge in love with those around me who need it just as much as I do. I so desperately need the attitude of Him to reflect in my actions.
Only a few more months remain for me in China... I am in the process of selling my furniture and little nick-nacks. Yarp* that that will go smoothly. Plus, I'm also in the middle of a job search in the States. Yarp* that He will give the discernment to know where He is leading me, should there be more than one open door.
Thanks for the sweet fragrant offering of thoughts* you lift to Him for this country and for me.
China has really been in the news this year, especially now as Beijing will be hosting the 2008 Summer Olympic games in a few months. Because I can't go into great detail about political issues via this entry (besides the fact that most of you might even know more about this than I do), I'd just ask that you yarp* for this country and its people during this spotlight time. I know the media is having a field day with some of the events taking place, no pun intended. I just ask you would yarp* for the officials during this time and for the native Chinese (and foreigners) in their responses and actions. This is a big year for China to show the world what she is capable of, and things are not going as planned.
Yarp* for Tibet.
Yarp* for the Workers* in the parts of China that are not as developed as Shanghai. Ask that He give them peace and continued boldness to share their faith without fear. I ask that He would pierce hearts and reveal Himself in a mighty way. Yarp for those who are being persecuted, for where there is persecution, there is the advancement of the Good News. I yarp that through this, these faithful would remain strong and bold.
A bit closer to home, there has been spiritual oppression and dissension among some believers in our local fellowship. Please lift up the many leaders of the Body that they may have the grace and discernment to handle these matters. I also would ask that you lift up those who are in these situations, that we might be convicted and restored, seeking after the Truth daily so they might overcome in victory.
There is much change going on academically with our school's administration and faculty... The administration hasn't given us any details on this issue, but this is one request we as believers mention daily in our morning faculty meetings at the Kindergarten.
In relation to academics, the Kindergarten children will be taking the English Language Proficiency exam next week. We have set aside Tuesday - Friday to be testing days. This is the test they must pass in order to enter into the 1st Grade English Track at the Elementary school. There is a heavy amount of pressure on the K2 teachers -- I'm one of those teachers -- as we are wrapping up the material. Yarp* that we as teachers would not become discouraged this week. Yarp* for confidence and peace for both the children and teachers, and for the wisdom to know that this is out of our control; we can only do so much, and we must be faithful and diligent with the time we have left this week.
Personally, I have really been focusing on yarping* for peace and contentment in my situations and surroundings. I have been asking Him to surround me with a desire to know Him more and more, and to share that knowledge in love with those around me who need it just as much as I do. I so desperately need the attitude of Him to reflect in my actions.
Only a few more months remain for me in China... I am in the process of selling my furniture and little nick-nacks. Yarp* that that will go smoothly. Plus, I'm also in the middle of a job search in the States. Yarp* that He will give the discernment to know where He is leading me, should there be more than one open door.
Thanks for the sweet fragrant offering of thoughts* you lift to Him for this country and for me.
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
La Profesora de Espanol
I'm pretty excited tonight as I write this entry. As of yesterday, I am now a Spanish tutor for two Chinese boys, both of whom are in the 4th grade. How crazy weird is that?!
Our first lesson: the alphabet and numbers. Before beginning, I let them pick out a Spanish name from a list of names I had acquired online. Chale and Nicolas - those were the ones they wanted. I was secretly hoping for maybe a Pedro, Juan, Jose, Rico, Carlos, or even Ricky Martin... My Spanish name isn't too terribly exciting: Emilia.
To some of you, this tutoring job might sound a bit random, and honestly, it is. A fellow teacher friend of mine emailed me something she had found posted on the teacher bulletin board: Two boys looking to take Spanish or French lessons. I immediately called the number I had in the email. In a matter of one day, I was scheduled to teach. I asked the boys' mothers why they wanted to learn Spanish... they said their sons were gifted in learning English, so they figured they would just add on another language and give it a try. Here I am. This is divine appointment.
Over the past week and a half, I have had a piece of Spanish almost every day - overhearing a conversation in the dressing room at SuperBrand Mall; sitting next to a table of Spanish businessmen at Starbucks; hearing a Spanish song on the radio in the taxi; a man stopping me for directions who had a very distinguished Spanish accent; hearing a woman speak on her cellphone as she passed me; a couple speaking Spanish in the grocery store... That might be common in the States, but in China, that is almost unheard of (and for it to be so consistent...). I am desperate to be back in Latin America, but have needed China so much. The things that have happened to me here had to happen before I could see Latin America again... I love how He has placed within my Spirit a little piece of Latin America in my classroom two times a week. And just because He loves me.
I can't hope for Latin America so much that I miss out on Him or what He has left for me in China, but I can rejoice in the confirmation of the things that are yet to come.
Our first lesson: the alphabet and numbers. Before beginning, I let them pick out a Spanish name from a list of names I had acquired online. Chale and Nicolas - those were the ones they wanted. I was secretly hoping for maybe a Pedro, Juan, Jose, Rico, Carlos, or even Ricky Martin... My Spanish name isn't too terribly exciting: Emilia.
To some of you, this tutoring job might sound a bit random, and honestly, it is. A fellow teacher friend of mine emailed me something she had found posted on the teacher bulletin board: Two boys looking to take Spanish or French lessons. I immediately called the number I had in the email. In a matter of one day, I was scheduled to teach. I asked the boys' mothers why they wanted to learn Spanish... they said their sons were gifted in learning English, so they figured they would just add on another language and give it a try. Here I am. This is divine appointment.
Over the past week and a half, I have had a piece of Spanish almost every day - overhearing a conversation in the dressing room at SuperBrand Mall; sitting next to a table of Spanish businessmen at Starbucks; hearing a Spanish song on the radio in the taxi; a man stopping me for directions who had a very distinguished Spanish accent; hearing a woman speak on her cellphone as she passed me; a couple speaking Spanish in the grocery store... That might be common in the States, but in China, that is almost unheard of (and for it to be so consistent...). I am desperate to be back in Latin America, but have needed China so much. The things that have happened to me here had to happen before I could see Latin America again... I love how He has placed within my Spirit a little piece of Latin America in my classroom two times a week. And just because He loves me.
I can't hope for Latin America so much that I miss out on Him or what He has left for me in China, but I can rejoice in the confirmation of the things that are yet to come.
Saturday, March 1, 2008
Homecoming
March 1, 2008. Today marks my seventh month in China.
It's been a while since I've written an entry, though luckily I've been able to correspond with most of you via email and my latest obsession: Skype!
I wanted to let all of you know that after much thought and prayer, I have made the decision to move back to the States in July, & you better be excited. :)
I have no idea where I'll be moving to, nor what I'll be doing once I get to where I'm going... but I know that He has spoken clearly and will provide for me in His timing. I am not wanting to move back, honestly; I was made for this. But right now, I am having to leave. Please keep me in your thoughts* as I prepare for this transition. I hope to start working on a masters program in education upon returning, get involved in a great Body of believers, as well as continue with teaching.
Chick-fil-A,
It'll be great seein you again. I've missed you.
4 months and counting,
Em
It's been a while since I've written an entry, though luckily I've been able to correspond with most of you via email and my latest obsession: Skype!
I wanted to let all of you know that after much thought and prayer, I have made the decision to move back to the States in July, & you better be excited. :)
I have no idea where I'll be moving to, nor what I'll be doing once I get to where I'm going... but I know that He has spoken clearly and will provide for me in His timing. I am not wanting to move back, honestly; I was made for this. But right now, I am having to leave. Please keep me in your thoughts* as I prepare for this transition. I hope to start working on a masters program in education upon returning, get involved in a great Body of believers, as well as continue with teaching.
Chick-fil-A,
It'll be great seein you again. I've missed you.
4 months and counting,
Em
Monday, January 14, 2008
Growing Pains
I was walking home from tutoring tonight and some thoughts began running through my mind. I'm so thankful that no one else was taking the same path through the Villas that I was or else they would have thought I had an imaginary friend in whom I was in dialog with. Sometimes, I am able to have a thought chain, one thought linking to the next, and I struggle in holding on to those thoughts just long enough before I can sit down to scramble them on the back of, though sometimes front of, an important receipt or type them hurriedly into my computer. As I was nearing the main road, my voice began to lower and my lips suddenly moved less and less further apart as I realized now that people would be able to see me.
As I was nearing my apartment, I found my friend Kendra sitting in the pizza shop, alone, though her winter accessories were still on. She was getting her food to go so she could head back to school to get some work done. I went in to chat with her for a bit. As I usually do, I began to unlink the chain that had just formed in my head. I'm glad I did; I was able to encourage her with my thoughts. She, in turn, encouraged me. Perhaps if I had kept on walking, she and I would have gotten our dinner but no encouragement, and I would have written down my chain of thoughts to you, only they would have been a smidgen more jumbled and a tad bit more messy.
My thought chain somehow linked itself to my first entry on this website. If you have not yet had a chance to read that one, please go back and read it before continuing on in this one, as it will make more sense to have read the first one first. :)
I just recently sent an email to my mother about a pryer request in her life. I gave her the verse, "Love the Lrd your Gd with all your heart, with all your soul and with all your mind." Matthew 22:37. I began thinking, How am I living out that command? Am I doing an adequate job? Am I in a place at this point, today, where I can be giving such advice and not living it out?
excerpt from that first entry:
"Expansion
When a vision is planted within your spirit, there will always be some type of expansion. You can't be pregnant and not expand. Your thoughts and ideas turn to action - not everyone will be able to recognize the fact that your pregnant, but eventually, as the baby grows, you will expand. People around you will be able to physically see your vision growing and enlarging, forming a heartbeat. As time progresses, your vision will become clearer, being able to point out the fingers and toes. The vision has now become an obvious part of you, taking over and consuming your life. You'll have to get bigger clothes. Bigger clothes might be symbolic of new friends. Your old friends don't fit you anymore. You have outgrown them. Is it possible to keep wearing the same clothes while pregnant? Sure it is, but you'll find it quite uncomfortable."
I am growing, and I can feel the pressure. I have some clothes that I'm beginning to find uncomfortable - things in my heart that I cannot let go of (people, events and past horrible decisions), things in my soul that are hindering me from freely worshiping Him (worry, doubt, lack of patience), and things in my mind that I need to fix (self-image concept and my lack of organization and time management). It's time I packed those clothes away and put on my new, better-fitting clothes. I'm having a hard time, honestly. I'm struggling... "My spirit is willing, by my flesh is weak." Matthew 26:41. It's like I'm acting like a child in these certain areas, throwing a fit about having to give these clothes away, as if they're really what I want.
When I was a little girl, I liked to go grocery shopping with my mother, hoping she'd get me those animal cookies in the circus box with the stringed handle (I'd open them and the first thing I'd do was bite the heads off of every one of them, showing my mother as if I had done a good thing...) I so wished I could be tall like all the grown-ups around me. They could reach the cookies on their own. I liked to sit underneath the basket as we shopped; it was like my hide-away. I could see and not be seen, though my range of vision was a bit limited. The moment I commented on a stranger's choice of footwear, however, the secret was out. Even then, I really liked shoes.
I was thinking what it would be like if I tried the same thing now, as a 22-year-old. As a 5-year-old, I could fit under the basket and it was perfectly normal and acceptable to be there; I was a child. All the women in whom I would comment on would smile and politely say thank you as Mom rolled me on by, usually apologizing for my outburst. To sit under that basket now would be ridiculous. I wouldn't even try because it'd be a silly thought to think I could actually fit under one of those things anymore. How would the women respond to my compliments? Would they even take them, or would they be more preoccupied with the fact that a 22-year-old woman was sitting under a grocery basket, thus totally ignoring and disregarding the compliment?
"When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, and I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me..." I Corinthians 13:11. When a woman or man of faith begins to give encouragement or Truth from their lips, but are living their lives under a grocery basket, things don't line up. Others will not listen to your words. Why should they? You're acting like a crazy person. I need to encourage eyeball to eyeball. The vision within me is expanding, and I am being stretched. I think I might have pulled a muscle...
I have been so tired of going back and forth with this idea of growing up. I've beaten my dead horse long enough. I know others are desperate to hear me sing a new song, one in which the chorus is not filled with an occasional melody of doubt and mistrust. Rhetorical questions race through my mind as I talk things over with Him... Are You big enough to really change me? Are You big enough to take me out of this pattern, or is this something that I am going to keep battling for the rest of my life? Why can't I apply the same faith I had on that day I decided to move to China to the daily heart, soul and mind struggles here?.........(sigh). I sometimes feel that the girl you are prying for is not the same as the girl who is speaking to you through her words. Yet, even though I feel this way, and even though I move from the hand of my G-d sometimes, He does not move...
Here is my problem: I do not receive, because I do not believe. "If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask (Him) who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like the wave of the sea, blown and tossed about by the wind. That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lrd; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does." James 1:5-8
It's getting harder as I move closer to my vision.
I must live by revelation and not reaction.
The rest of I Corinthians 13 says, "Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known."
It's awesome to see here that what we know now is nothing in comparison to what we will know once we see our Maker face to face. Our trials, our disasters, our mistakes will be as nothing in light of Him. Our small vision that He has entrusted us with, because He loves us that much, will make much more sense on the Day of Completion than it does now. This expansion, these growing pains, are all worth it, though I do not fully know today my greater purpose, nor understand why He has chosen me. But like the end of the verse says, I am fully known. G-d knows what He is doing, so ironically in answer to my rhetorical questions, YES. YES He is big enough. All of this is for His glory and His praise because he is worthy of my everything.
"For the message of the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of Gd." I Corinthians 1:18.
I have His power, like every other believer, to overcome these pains and endure, daily seeking His wisdom that He so generously gives to those who believe. He has proved Himself in this entry alone, and that piece is satisfying for me tonight.
As I was nearing my apartment, I found my friend Kendra sitting in the pizza shop, alone, though her winter accessories were still on. She was getting her food to go so she could head back to school to get some work done. I went in to chat with her for a bit. As I usually do, I began to unlink the chain that had just formed in my head. I'm glad I did; I was able to encourage her with my thoughts. She, in turn, encouraged me. Perhaps if I had kept on walking, she and I would have gotten our dinner but no encouragement, and I would have written down my chain of thoughts to you, only they would have been a smidgen more jumbled and a tad bit more messy.
My thought chain somehow linked itself to my first entry on this website. If you have not yet had a chance to read that one, please go back and read it before continuing on in this one, as it will make more sense to have read the first one first. :)
I just recently sent an email to my mother about a pryer request in her life. I gave her the verse, "Love the Lrd your Gd with all your heart, with all your soul and with all your mind." Matthew 22:37. I began thinking, How am I living out that command? Am I doing an adequate job? Am I in a place at this point, today, where I can be giving such advice and not living it out?
excerpt from that first entry:
"Expansion
When a vision is planted within your spirit, there will always be some type of expansion. You can't be pregnant and not expand. Your thoughts and ideas turn to action - not everyone will be able to recognize the fact that your pregnant, but eventually, as the baby grows, you will expand. People around you will be able to physically see your vision growing and enlarging, forming a heartbeat. As time progresses, your vision will become clearer, being able to point out the fingers and toes. The vision has now become an obvious part of you, taking over and consuming your life. You'll have to get bigger clothes. Bigger clothes might be symbolic of new friends. Your old friends don't fit you anymore. You have outgrown them. Is it possible to keep wearing the same clothes while pregnant? Sure it is, but you'll find it quite uncomfortable."
I am growing, and I can feel the pressure. I have some clothes that I'm beginning to find uncomfortable - things in my heart that I cannot let go of (people, events and past horrible decisions), things in my soul that are hindering me from freely worshiping Him (worry, doubt, lack of patience), and things in my mind that I need to fix (self-image concept and my lack of organization and time management). It's time I packed those clothes away and put on my new, better-fitting clothes. I'm having a hard time, honestly. I'm struggling... "My spirit is willing, by my flesh is weak." Matthew 26:41. It's like I'm acting like a child in these certain areas, throwing a fit about having to give these clothes away, as if they're really what I want.
When I was a little girl, I liked to go grocery shopping with my mother, hoping she'd get me those animal cookies in the circus box with the stringed handle (I'd open them and the first thing I'd do was bite the heads off of every one of them, showing my mother as if I had done a good thing...) I so wished I could be tall like all the grown-ups around me. They could reach the cookies on their own. I liked to sit underneath the basket as we shopped; it was like my hide-away. I could see and not be seen, though my range of vision was a bit limited. The moment I commented on a stranger's choice of footwear, however, the secret was out. Even then, I really liked shoes.
I was thinking what it would be like if I tried the same thing now, as a 22-year-old. As a 5-year-old, I could fit under the basket and it was perfectly normal and acceptable to be there; I was a child. All the women in whom I would comment on would smile and politely say thank you as Mom rolled me on by, usually apologizing for my outburst. To sit under that basket now would be ridiculous. I wouldn't even try because it'd be a silly thought to think I could actually fit under one of those things anymore. How would the women respond to my compliments? Would they even take them, or would they be more preoccupied with the fact that a 22-year-old woman was sitting under a grocery basket, thus totally ignoring and disregarding the compliment?
"When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, and I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me..." I Corinthians 13:11. When a woman or man of faith begins to give encouragement or Truth from their lips, but are living their lives under a grocery basket, things don't line up. Others will not listen to your words. Why should they? You're acting like a crazy person. I need to encourage eyeball to eyeball. The vision within me is expanding, and I am being stretched. I think I might have pulled a muscle...
I have been so tired of going back and forth with this idea of growing up. I've beaten my dead horse long enough. I know others are desperate to hear me sing a new song, one in which the chorus is not filled with an occasional melody of doubt and mistrust. Rhetorical questions race through my mind as I talk things over with Him... Are You big enough to really change me? Are You big enough to take me out of this pattern, or is this something that I am going to keep battling for the rest of my life? Why can't I apply the same faith I had on that day I decided to move to China to the daily heart, soul and mind struggles here?.........(sigh). I sometimes feel that the girl you are prying for is not the same as the girl who is speaking to you through her words. Yet, even though I feel this way, and even though I move from the hand of my G-d sometimes, He does not move...
Here is my problem: I do not receive, because I do not believe. "If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask (Him) who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like the wave of the sea, blown and tossed about by the wind. That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lrd; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does." James 1:5-8
It's getting harder as I move closer to my vision.
I must live by revelation and not reaction.
The rest of I Corinthians 13 says, "Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known."
It's awesome to see here that what we know now is nothing in comparison to what we will know once we see our Maker face to face. Our trials, our disasters, our mistakes will be as nothing in light of Him. Our small vision that He has entrusted us with, because He loves us that much, will make much more sense on the Day of Completion than it does now. This expansion, these growing pains, are all worth it, though I do not fully know today my greater purpose, nor understand why He has chosen me. But like the end of the verse says, I am fully known. G-d knows what He is doing, so ironically in answer to my rhetorical questions, YES. YES He is big enough. All of this is for His glory and His praise because he is worthy of my everything.
"For the message of the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of Gd." I Corinthians 1:18.
I have His power, like every other believer, to overcome these pains and endure, daily seeking His wisdom that He so generously gives to those who believe. He has proved Himself in this entry alone, and that piece is satisfying for me tonight.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)