I was walking home from tutoring tonight and some thoughts began running through my mind. I'm so thankful that no one else was taking the same path through the Villas that I was or else they would have thought I had an imaginary friend in whom I was in dialog with. Sometimes, I am able to have a thought chain, one thought linking to the next, and I struggle in holding on to those thoughts just long enough before I can sit down to scramble them on the back of, though sometimes front of, an important receipt or type them hurriedly into my computer. As I was nearing the main road, my voice began to lower and my lips suddenly moved less and less further apart as I realized now that people would be able to see me.
As I was nearing my apartment, I found my friend Kendra sitting in the pizza shop, alone, though her winter accessories were still on. She was getting her food to go so she could head back to school to get some work done. I went in to chat with her for a bit. As I usually do, I began to unlink the chain that had just formed in my head. I'm glad I did; I was able to encourage her with my thoughts. She, in turn, encouraged me. Perhaps if I had kept on walking, she and I would have gotten our dinner but no encouragement, and I would have written down my chain of thoughts to you, only they would have been a smidgen more jumbled and a tad bit more messy.
My thought chain somehow linked itself to my first entry on this website. If you have not yet had a chance to read that one, please go back and read it before continuing on in this one, as it will make more sense to have read the first one first. :)
I just recently sent an email to my mother about a pryer request in her life. I gave her the verse, "Love the Lrd your Gd with all your heart, with all your soul and with all your mind." Matthew 22:37. I began thinking, How am I living out that command? Am I doing an adequate job? Am I in a place at this point, today, where I can be giving such advice and not living it out?
excerpt from that first entry:
"Expansion
When a vision is planted within your spirit, there will always be some type of expansion. You can't be pregnant and not expand. Your thoughts and ideas turn to action - not everyone will be able to recognize the fact that your pregnant, but eventually, as the baby grows, you will expand. People around you will be able to physically see your vision growing and enlarging, forming a heartbeat. As time progresses, your vision will become clearer, being able to point out the fingers and toes. The vision has now become an obvious part of you, taking over and consuming your life. You'll have to get bigger clothes. Bigger clothes might be symbolic of new friends. Your old friends don't fit you anymore. You have outgrown them. Is it possible to keep wearing the same clothes while pregnant? Sure it is, but you'll find it quite uncomfortable."
I am growing, and I can feel the pressure. I have some clothes that I'm beginning to find uncomfortable - things in my heart that I cannot let go of (people, events and past horrible decisions), things in my soul that are hindering me from freely worshiping Him (worry, doubt, lack of patience), and things in my mind that I need to fix (self-image concept and my lack of organization and time management). It's time I packed those clothes away and put on my new, better-fitting clothes. I'm having a hard time, honestly. I'm struggling... "My spirit is willing, by my flesh is weak." Matthew 26:41. It's like I'm acting like a child in these certain areas, throwing a fit about having to give these clothes away, as if they're really what I want.
When I was a little girl, I liked to go grocery shopping with my mother, hoping she'd get me those animal cookies in the circus box with the stringed handle (I'd open them and the first thing I'd do was bite the heads off of every one of them, showing my mother as if I had done a good thing...) I so wished I could be tall like all the grown-ups around me. They could reach the cookies on their own. I liked to sit underneath the basket as we shopped; it was like my hide-away. I could see and not be seen, though my range of vision was a bit limited. The moment I commented on a stranger's choice of footwear, however, the secret was out. Even then, I really liked shoes.
I was thinking what it would be like if I tried the same thing now, as a 22-year-old. As a 5-year-old, I could fit under the basket and it was perfectly normal and acceptable to be there; I was a child. All the women in whom I would comment on would smile and politely say thank you as Mom rolled me on by, usually apologizing for my outburst. To sit under that basket now would be ridiculous. I wouldn't even try because it'd be a silly thought to think I could actually fit under one of those things anymore. How would the women respond to my compliments? Would they even take them, or would they be more preoccupied with the fact that a 22-year-old woman was sitting under a grocery basket, thus totally ignoring and disregarding the compliment?
"When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, and I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me..." I Corinthians 13:11. When a woman or man of faith begins to give encouragement or Truth from their lips, but are living their lives under a grocery basket, things don't line up. Others will not listen to your words. Why should they? You're acting like a crazy person. I need to encourage eyeball to eyeball. The vision within me is expanding, and I am being stretched. I think I might have pulled a muscle...
I have been so tired of going back and forth with this idea of growing up. I've beaten my dead horse long enough. I know others are desperate to hear me sing a new song, one in which the chorus is not filled with an occasional melody of doubt and mistrust. Rhetorical questions race through my mind as I talk things over with Him... Are You big enough to really change me? Are You big enough to take me out of this pattern, or is this something that I am going to keep battling for the rest of my life? Why can't I apply the same faith I had on that day I decided to move to China to the daily heart, soul and mind struggles here?.........(sigh). I sometimes feel that the girl you are prying for is not the same as the girl who is speaking to you through her words. Yet, even though I feel this way, and even though I move from the hand of my G-d sometimes, He does not move...
Here is my problem: I do not receive, because I do not believe. "If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask (Him) who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like the wave of the sea, blown and tossed about by the wind. That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lrd; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does." James 1:5-8
It's getting harder as I move closer to my vision.
I must live by revelation and not reaction.
The rest of I Corinthians 13 says, "Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known."
It's awesome to see here that what we know now is nothing in comparison to what we will know once we see our Maker face to face. Our trials, our disasters, our mistakes will be as nothing in light of Him. Our small vision that He has entrusted us with, because He loves us that much, will make much more sense on the Day of Completion than it does now. This expansion, these growing pains, are all worth it, though I do not fully know today my greater purpose, nor understand why He has chosen me. But like the end of the verse says, I am fully known. G-d knows what He is doing, so ironically in answer to my rhetorical questions, YES. YES He is big enough. All of this is for His glory and His praise because he is worthy of my everything.
"For the message of the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of Gd." I Corinthians 1:18.
I have His power, like every other believer, to overcome these pains and endure, daily seeking His wisdom that He so generously gives to those who believe. He has proved Himself in this entry alone, and that piece is satisfying for me tonight.
Monday, January 14, 2008
Wednesday, January 2, 2008
journal from Hong Kong and Macau
Now that the suspense has somewhat dwindled from the email I sent you last week, perhaps you'll actually be able to focus on what is written in this entry. Heh.
Sorry for the procrastination on this one --
Hong Kong was a great trip, and in fact, I wouldn't mind moving there, to be quite honest. Although it's now regained its status as part of China, one still needs a passport to go in and out. The same is true in regards to visiting Macau. Needless to say, I acquired 8 stamps in my passport over our 4-day vacation.
1. Leaving China
2. Entry into Hong Kong
3. Leaving Hong Kong
4. Entry into Macau
5. Leaving Macau
6. Re-entry into Hong Kong
7. Leaving Hong Kong
8. Re-entry into China
I think about those businessmen who live in Macau and work in Hong Kong... I wonder how many times they've had to get a new passport due to the accumulation of stamps? That would seemingly take all the joy out of getting your passport stamped.
Shanghai vs. HK
Shanghai is westernized, but the feeling of westernization here is more of a forced commercialized concept, as if Shanghai is the daughter of a workaholic father, vying for his attention, screaming, "Look at me!". Everything is flashy and gaudy and, just forced. I'm not sure how else to describe it. Though if you never knew HK, you might not have come to that conclusion.
Hong Kong's westernization is much more natural and cultural. Now, obviously, Hong Kong was under British rule for 100 years, so they sort of have a one-up on Shanghai. But the people in HK are more relaxed, cleaner, fashionable and appreciative of the things around them. HK is also a much more diverse and international city, which is one thing that really draws me in.
Perhaps it isn't fair to compare the two cities, but I couldn't really help it when I walked the streets. And, I suppose I should qualify that this is not a competition, only an observation.
HK was decorated so well for the holidays! The temperature was wonderful, which made it seem as though it wasn't actually Christmas. The average temperature during our 4-day stay was in or around the low 70s. My wardrobe consisted of t-shirts and jeans, my back sweating from the backpack in which I carried.
Hong Kong people speak Cantonese, another form of Chinese. HK has palm trees like Miami, and steep streets and trolley cars like San Fransisco. The steep streets were also filled with double-decker buses like England. Hong Kong people even drive on the opposite side of the road like they do in England. I remember noticing all the flowers, as well. The subway system, otherwise known as the Octopus (for whatever reason), is very nice and well-kept, though ridiculously busy and crowded like most everywhere in China. I noticed the subway stations are lined with an abnormal amount of bakeries, too. I really feel I like HK better than Shanghai, though not simply because of the bakeries.
Home Sweet Home
Our hostel was one in which most of you would not have wanted to stay in. Let me explain. Our hostel was on top of a sort of fake market run by Indian men. They sold watches and bags and had a small Indian food venue. The name of it was called Mirador Mansion, which is rather misleading. Each floor of this 16-story venue was sub-owned by others. We stayed on the 16th floor. Our owner's name was Apple, a woman from Shanghai who spoke really good English. We only payed 100RMB a night, per room (100 RMB is equivalent to $13). She hesitated in giving us official receipts because our floor was not licensed; we were staying on an illegal floor. Of course, we found out as we were checking out, by the way. Our floor was filled with a handful of men from Kenya and Ethiopia, most of them very creepy and quite forward, attempting to get our numbers so they could "show us around town." Riiight... Honestly, our hostel was pretty sketchy. Luckily only one unfortunate event happened: The guys' room was broken into while we were out one afternoon, the culprit getting away with $200 USD and a pocketknife. The guys had left their room unlocked because they couldn't find their key, so perhaps it was to be expected that something like that occur.
I'm sure my mother is freaking out at this point in the story.
We were able to go to a Christmas service in HK on Sunday night. The body* was actually in a huge office building on the 14th floor. The elevator door opened up right into the foyer. It was wonderful to be among fellow believers at such an important celebration of our faith.
The previous night, the praise team from the body* had put on a Christmas event in the center of downtown Hong Kong, complete with a huge Christmas tree and a jumbo screen for the words and video. Downtown was decorated for the season; the atmosphere was so refreshing. I remember dancing and singing as loud as I could with the other people who were attending... what a great China moment.
Interesting fun fact:
I was able to ride on the world's longest escalator ride while in HK.
http://www.4to40.com/recordbook/index.asp?id=414&category=human
Macau is a city known for its casinos, and yes, I did gamble 5 HKD while I was there. I, along with 3 other teachers, ventured to Macau on the Monday of our vacation, breaking away from the others who wanted to stay and see more of HK. I felt as if I had stepped into Latin America. The architecture there is phenomenal. It was once under the rule of Portugal, so Portuguese is one of its languages, along with English and Cantonese. I loved feeling immersed in a culture so similar to that of Spanish! I was able to read some signs and portions of pamphlets. We walked so much in Macau, stopping at every bright and colorful cathedral we passed. We made it back just in time to meet the rest of the group at Outback for our Christmas Eve dinner.
I spent Christmas Day away from the group, and though as sad as that might sound, I actually enjoyed myself, sitting in a Charlie Brown coffee shop listening to Christmas music. I walked more of the city and did some shopping, and I was even able to sit in a foreign bookstore flipping through a Spanish-English dictionary before meeting the group to head back to the airport.
I would have liked to mention everything we did over our holiday... Some of you are thinking, there's more?! :) We walked so much during this trip! It was hard yet very convenient to carry a backpack all weekend, especially when traveling through the airport and getting to skip the dreaded baggage claim.
Pictures are in the next post since this one was already getting pretty lengthy.
Enjoy!
Sorry for the procrastination on this one --
Hong Kong was a great trip, and in fact, I wouldn't mind moving there, to be quite honest. Although it's now regained its status as part of China, one still needs a passport to go in and out. The same is true in regards to visiting Macau. Needless to say, I acquired 8 stamps in my passport over our 4-day vacation.
1. Leaving China
2. Entry into Hong Kong
3. Leaving Hong Kong
4. Entry into Macau
5. Leaving Macau
6. Re-entry into Hong Kong
7. Leaving Hong Kong
8. Re-entry into China
I think about those businessmen who live in Macau and work in Hong Kong... I wonder how many times they've had to get a new passport due to the accumulation of stamps? That would seemingly take all the joy out of getting your passport stamped.
Shanghai vs. HK
Shanghai is westernized, but the feeling of westernization here is more of a forced commercialized concept, as if Shanghai is the daughter of a workaholic father, vying for his attention, screaming, "Look at me!". Everything is flashy and gaudy and, just forced. I'm not sure how else to describe it. Though if you never knew HK, you might not have come to that conclusion.
Hong Kong's westernization is much more natural and cultural. Now, obviously, Hong Kong was under British rule for 100 years, so they sort of have a one-up on Shanghai. But the people in HK are more relaxed, cleaner, fashionable and appreciative of the things around them. HK is also a much more diverse and international city, which is one thing that really draws me in.
Perhaps it isn't fair to compare the two cities, but I couldn't really help it when I walked the streets. And, I suppose I should qualify that this is not a competition, only an observation.
HK was decorated so well for the holidays! The temperature was wonderful, which made it seem as though it wasn't actually Christmas. The average temperature during our 4-day stay was in or around the low 70s. My wardrobe consisted of t-shirts and jeans, my back sweating from the backpack in which I carried.
Hong Kong people speak Cantonese, another form of Chinese. HK has palm trees like Miami, and steep streets and trolley cars like San Fransisco. The steep streets were also filled with double-decker buses like England. Hong Kong people even drive on the opposite side of the road like they do in England. I remember noticing all the flowers, as well. The subway system, otherwise known as the Octopus (for whatever reason), is very nice and well-kept, though ridiculously busy and crowded like most everywhere in China. I noticed the subway stations are lined with an abnormal amount of bakeries, too. I really feel I like HK better than Shanghai, though not simply because of the bakeries.
Home Sweet Home
Our hostel was one in which most of you would not have wanted to stay in. Let me explain. Our hostel was on top of a sort of fake market run by Indian men. They sold watches and bags and had a small Indian food venue. The name of it was called Mirador Mansion, which is rather misleading. Each floor of this 16-story venue was sub-owned by others. We stayed on the 16th floor. Our owner's name was Apple, a woman from Shanghai who spoke really good English. We only payed 100RMB a night, per room (100 RMB is equivalent to $13). She hesitated in giving us official receipts because our floor was not licensed; we were staying on an illegal floor. Of course, we found out as we were checking out, by the way. Our floor was filled with a handful of men from Kenya and Ethiopia, most of them very creepy and quite forward, attempting to get our numbers so they could "show us around town." Riiight... Honestly, our hostel was pretty sketchy. Luckily only one unfortunate event happened: The guys' room was broken into while we were out one afternoon, the culprit getting away with $200 USD and a pocketknife. The guys had left their room unlocked because they couldn't find their key, so perhaps it was to be expected that something like that occur.
I'm sure my mother is freaking out at this point in the story.
We were able to go to a Christmas service in HK on Sunday night. The body* was actually in a huge office building on the 14th floor. The elevator door opened up right into the foyer. It was wonderful to be among fellow believers at such an important celebration of our faith.
The previous night, the praise team from the body* had put on a Christmas event in the center of downtown Hong Kong, complete with a huge Christmas tree and a jumbo screen for the words and video. Downtown was decorated for the season; the atmosphere was so refreshing. I remember dancing and singing as loud as I could with the other people who were attending... what a great China moment.
Interesting fun fact:
I was able to ride on the world's longest escalator ride while in HK.
http://www.4to40.com/recordbook/index.asp?id=414&category=human
Macau is a city known for its casinos, and yes, I did gamble 5 HKD while I was there. I, along with 3 other teachers, ventured to Macau on the Monday of our vacation, breaking away from the others who wanted to stay and see more of HK. I felt as if I had stepped into Latin America. The architecture there is phenomenal. It was once under the rule of Portugal, so Portuguese is one of its languages, along with English and Cantonese. I loved feeling immersed in a culture so similar to that of Spanish! I was able to read some signs and portions of pamphlets. We walked so much in Macau, stopping at every bright and colorful cathedral we passed. We made it back just in time to meet the rest of the group at Outback for our Christmas Eve dinner.
I spent Christmas Day away from the group, and though as sad as that might sound, I actually enjoyed myself, sitting in a Charlie Brown coffee shop listening to Christmas music. I walked more of the city and did some shopping, and I was even able to sit in a foreign bookstore flipping through a Spanish-English dictionary before meeting the group to head back to the airport.
I would have liked to mention everything we did over our holiday... Some of you are thinking, there's more?! :) We walked so much during this trip! It was hard yet very convenient to carry a backpack all weekend, especially when traveling through the airport and getting to skip the dreaded baggage claim.
Pictures are in the next post since this one was already getting pretty lengthy.
Enjoy!
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